Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Ma Voix!

"I love to talk". I'll bring forward a million people who'll vouch for that. "I just cannot talk". And a few hundred people will vouch for that!

Way back during my forgetful school years, I used to either crack a joke or be the joke cause of my needless speech. Suddenly it dawned upon me that I should shut the hell up rather than talking the talk that I used to talk. So I went in some sort of a shell during my early college years.

I had a blissful time in junior college really. The number of days I attended the class were directly proportional to the number of hot chicks I met. But here again was the confusion - whether or not to talk my talk. After two years of intense thinking I decided, "Ah what the hell, let's talk!" But by the time I woke up to speak, the hot chicks had disappeared! It was a tragic loss for the chicks! Sigh!

Then came the senior college years, these were some of the best days of my social life as I learnt to bloody talk. The hot chicks, alright whom am I kidding, "the chicks" were finally celebrating that I was talking! It was a big relief for them.

Years rolled on and the bizarre talk was just to get more bizarre. But there still remained instances where in my voice has totally failed me. Now in order that I save millions from embarrassment, I decide to not disclose all of these incidents. Before enlisting the same and embarrassing a million people other than me, I put forth some of my strong beliefs.

1) I am of the strictest of opinions that the process of oral examination should be banned. It is such a devastating, heinous and treacherous act where the teachers, who instead of boosting the confidence in the student, themselves try to shake it all off by this one act. Such practices adopted by millions of schools and institutions should be instantly taken care of!

2) I believe the courtrooms should be IM enabled, so in case a lawyer loses the confidence to speak or argue, he should be handed over a laptop where he can nicely log on to some IM, type out his argument and fight out the same. So convenient for everyone this! Imagine the judge, the prosecutor as well as the defendant quietly fighting over the case over their IMs. They may even ask other lawyers to join in the discussion so as to get in more points for the appellant as well as the defendant. Also the judge may refer to other judges for their opinion on the proceedings. It would not only help impart justice but also beat corruption. The more the number of judges the case is referred to, the more the people will be involved in imparting of justice. Therefore if the client plans to "buy" the justice, he will not only have a large number of mouths to feed, but also an uncertain number of mouths. Therefore things would become as good as impossible for him and justice might just prevail. So people like Mulayam Singh Yadav would well reside where they best belong!

Now if IMs are implemented in the court rooms, even the moot court examinations conducted by law colleges can be held on the IMs and the students can be saved of the pressure and stress! I speak for thee, my "legal" comrades, do I get an "amen"?

3) Also the evil practice of group-discussions, debates and interviews should be done away with. If it is still to exist, then it should be made mandatory that every person in a GD or a debate be given a laptop and an IM in case he gets stuck while raising a vital point or placing an important argument. It is only then that his intelligence can be rightfully tested.

Now that I'm done stating my beliefs, I go on to type out some personal experiences:
1) The stage fear has cost me some vital marks in my Business Communication exam. This forced me to take up subjects I didn't quite like in my second year B.Com which then resulted a horrific performance in the finals of that year, therefore again depriving me of the subjects I wanted for my final and most crucial year of graduation. Result: Expected average marks in TYBCom! Blame it on one failed "stage-performance" 2 years back!

2) While I was planning to get into a good B-School after having cleared the written tests quite easily, there was to be a group discussion round and an interview. Enter the GD room and exit my voice. Finally the examiner shouted out my roll number, "So do you have anything to share with us at all?" Had it been some other day I would've slapped him for his rudeness, but at that point of time the sweat flowed off my forehead like a flooding river and my tongue refused to untie itself. I looked into everyone's staring eyes and I suddenly found my voice, the language coming out of my mouth made me a sound like a perfect student who needs to apply for some "rapid english speaking course". It was embarrassing. As though I hadn't embarrassed myself enough, there was to be an interview. The interview started with "So why do you plan to study MBA?". The utmost calm that I was, I realized that there is no reason solid enough for me to pursue an MBA. Quietly I said, "I don't know" and left the room to the non-astonishment of the interviewers (who were present at the GD too btw, so I guess this was expected by them).

3) There were people pelting stones at some chirpy bats as these bats were keeping them awake at 10 o'clock in the morning. Enraged I screamed at the inhuman human beings. They hurled back some sweet curses and I had no answer to the same. I really wish we were fighting over an IM back then, then I would've had showed those buggers a thing or two for messing with the bats and swearing at me. Lucky bastards!

4) On the rooftop there was a fight for kite. Suddenly my voice deserted me as I fumbled with my reply. Result: Even my own friends couldn't stop laughing at me.

The list goes on. However, there have been times when I just never stopped talking. Like over the phones, although during the conversation I've long realized of how tired the person on the other end has been hearing my voice. This has not only cost me and my dad some "unhealthy" phone bills but also my dear friends and their parents at the other end of the line the same! Sorry guys!

Then there are times when I just can't stop talking, like when I'm utterly nervous, especially during exams. Worst part is this attack of unstoppable talk strikes me while writing a paper. This had earned me the title of "exam-hall radio" during my junior college years. Ms.W always used to come to tell me to kindly shut my "radio station" off during exam hours.

Ah well, I have finally developed an attitude of "I'll keep talking the talk that I like to talk as long as this talk makes me and keeps me happy and this talk isn't affecting the listener physically or emotionally." As the talk I talk has helped me as much as it has failed me and the wannabe optimist that I am, I intend to look at the good things that my endless gab has earned me. So people, bear me or I forgive thee!


Pari said...

bahut bolta hai re! i mean, only u could have written such a monolith on talking, n not-talking....but u know what, i think u n i share something in common...the ability to get tongue-tied in oh-so-important situation! its happened to me on more occasions than one n I'm not too happy about that. luckily, it didn't happen that one time when i really needed it not to happen...when i went for my job interview and i did land the job!
i think the key is to concentrate real hard and be prepared for what might come your way! you might try that...n please, keep doing your bakwaas! huggy!

another brick in the wall said...

i believe its just about how much confidence i have in myslf when i'm arguing over a certain point or whn i'm discussing the same. the more the knowledge, the better the belief n hence more the confidence.. and the gab is inevitable! so interviews for my jobs hav alwyz had been smooth.. but oral exams n b-school interviews where i alwyz felt unqualified for, tehre i dont feel confident of speaking. n whn that happens.. i just dont speak at all :S.. huggy back :)

abhu said...

true...u have urslf pinpointed the reason u get tongue-tied on certain occasions. it happens to all:) even the most eloquent speaker, at some point or the other does embarrass himslf. so no big deal.
i agree it wud be great to IM one's way outta interviews and GDs. but alas!! things cannot function da way u and i want, unless we decide to fill in da post of the likes of Mr. arjun singh (which iam sure will get vacated soon if he continues to work the way he is doing)
u know, there r a few pple even i get tounged in front of:P and i can jst about imagine how embarrassing it is.

another brick in the wall said...

@ abhu: like who who? ;)

raghu said...

i like oral examinations..i was good at them.. and in the end a lot of work has to be done by talking well only :D

Anonymous said...

hmmm...mera toh bahut hi strange case hai, main toh dono talk talk mein aur im mein tongue tied ho jaati hoon!
haan i agree with u suk, if i know what i am saying i can say it! but i can't talk and pretend and convince the other party that i know wat i am saying when i dont!
and na phir na i have the problem of forgetting pronounciations and spellings at the key moment!
and in im's i cant talk with my hands which i can in real life, which has been a saver quite a number of times!
meri iss saal mein 3 presentations mein mujhe marks sirf isliye mille kyunki they were very funny and i speak funnily!
haan phone par bak bak kar sakti hoon, kyunki woh most of the time waisi hi nonsense hota hai, which makes me think that i am a complete dodo who has no head for an 'intelligent' conversation!
aur prerna agar toh
"tongue-tied in oh-so-important situation" toh phir hum kya hai???
mera first job ka interview yaad hai??
haan but na sukreet tera yeh pad kar na mujhe convince ho jata hai ki na toh sahi mein mera lost twin soul hai!
kal na me, mums, dids and mamu had gone to sabji mandi(mum ko veggies buy karni thi aur hum sab aisi tag along the), wahan par na there are al these little boys who work as collies, in the sense that they will carry ur veggies for u! now we are completely against the idea of child labour but we reason that by hiring one of them at least we are helping them earn a living, don't worry u humanitarians i ensure that we dont burden them too much, in fact many of them start arguing with me when i refuse to give them all the packets to hold, they think they will get paid less. acha main bhol gayi...hmmm..haan...toh na yesterday i saw our collie boy steal a small pice of ginger from the sabji guy that we were buying from and na i didn't knwo wat to say, so i whispered to my sis and she said 'toh usse bol de ki woh aisa na kare,' but i couldnt open my mouth, then i told my mum and she said the samething! but i just couldnt and this was a small boy!
and then there were the two discussions that i had with my prof! i was so shit scared of him that he kept saying stuff abt my assignments and i kept agreeing with him , i just could not argue my case!and i doubt if i would've managed thru an im either!
aur na aisi bharpur incidents hai par hey bhagwan, wat a long comment!main na ramble kar rahi hoon kyunki i have an assignemnet tmrw.....

new age scheherazade said...

were you nervous while writing that? you sure talked a LOT! and inspired the other people who commented-look at the size of the comments-baap re!
yeah-happens to me too when i'm nervous..I once said "viruses are caused by diseases" in a play.but then it was a weird play, so no one got it.I hate stagefright..:(

Divya said...

1st off, LOVE the post title :)
hahahaha oh amen to that!! IM hai toh ill stop cribbin bout my moots to u ya...
ahem... lucky chicks?? is that y u desperately ask me to find some hot seniors for u here? or start hittin on guys who might offer u chocolate? :P
ur an idiot.. when i toh say temme something u tell me to give entertainment cos u hv nthn to say.. grr.. now u get it.. wont talk to me ha? FINE!!
but hahahahahahahah!! radio station!! hahahahaha!!
shit man u rock.. ur hilarious..
i can relate u kno that.. hate talkin in public but ill keep blabberin if its jlt... n of course.. its difficult for u to et me to talk of "censored" talks :P, or wats botherin me fo tht matter..

Red said...

you seem to have unleashed the blogger within.. three posts in two days.. wah wah!! :)

i too hate public speaking.. especially when i don't know what i'm talking about.. sigh.. par karna padta hai.. i remember my own bschool GDs and interviews.. what a blubbering idiot i must have come across.. :)

in the words of led zeppelin - 'ramble on'

another brick in the wall said...

@ raghu: yea.. the most successful ppl are the one who can bloody talk and talk right.. so crap talk is as good as useless.. its really imp 2 kno whn 2 shut the fuck up.. else the talk is really gonna fuck u up! wat say? :)

@ anon sim: i think u shud start a blog of ur own.. this comment seems 50% of my post yaa! :S hehe.. thank u thank u!
yaar at least u rock at the presentations.. be it due 2 the cute talk.. or funny talk.. mera phatta hai aur mein kuch bol hi nahi paata :S
and dont worry.. even i used 2 be scared 2 fight/argue b4.. but once somthng got into me n i fought for 2 bloody hrs n won the argument resulting in ousting of a prof.. from thn on i've never looked back :).. dont worry.. u'll eventually kick ass :)

@ anasua: finally we have u here.. welcome ma'am :P
nervous and me? hah! kabhi nahi :P.. tereko aisa kay ko laga re?
arey mera weird scene hai.. i can act flawlessly in plays/dramas.. but whn it comes 2 giving speeches.. i screw up so badly its not funny

@ div: hehe.. yeah i'd expected u to like the title :D
bola na bola na.. moot court ke liye IM chaahiye hi chaahiye.. chal lets organize a revolt or smthng :)
arey.. woh toh i'm jst too lazy 2 go on pataoing chicks re.. thts y i am tellin u to do the needful for me.. lekin tu lukkhi kuch nahi kar rahi :P
haila! terese nahi baat karega toh kisse baat karega be mein? aise senti mat maar tu yaar :)
haan.. tu kuch nahi bataati mereko.. mereko koi kuch nahi bataata :(

@ red: hehe.. yaa i kno :P
thank u thank u :)
oh.. plz do post bout ur GDPI experience yaa.. i wanna kno how everyone deals wid those horror of things

raghu said...

no,no.. i CAN talk about stuff with out knowing too much about the topic.. example.. i read one para of an essay and i get enough fodder to talk about it 4 20 mins :D
all i am saying is knowing how to talk about anything without knowing much about the topic does help.. though it is not very satisfying.

Sneha said...

oh GOD. have you learnt mind reading (over IM of course), because i agree 100% on that! court rooms should be sooo IM enabled. amen, btw. man, i'd never thought of that, but hell it makes such a lot of sense. sigh, these days i need a keyboard to crack wise jokes. sigh. well, i say we should have a lappie with us 24*7 for 'instant' communication!

another brick in the wall said...

@ raghu: wish i cud be like tht yaa.. just cant talk.. feel so not confident!

@ sneha: bolaa na.. lawyers wud definitely agree wid me and readily too :)