Sunday, June 15, 2008

We are Indians...

1. We are Indians. We do not speak of sex. We do not have sex. It is against our culture to even utter the "S"-word. Mallanaga Vatsyayana was a foreigner.

2. We are not the most populous country. It's a sham. There hardly are any Indians in this world. We are getting extinct since we do not know anything about "S". Save Indians. Make Indians.

3. Our constitution grants us the right to litter and spit. It is our fundamental duty to verbally or physically abuse, any person, (esp. if he is an Indian) who attempts to deprive us of our right to spit and litter. Sec. 325(i)dont(care) of IPC, gives right to the "spitter", to make the "preacher" spit ten times in a row on ten different streets each, after forcing a beatle(beetle) leaf with tobacco in his mouth. I believe this measure shall help the "preacher" to understand the concept of colours, and the real meaning behind the term "colourful nation called India".

4. Gutters, drainage pipes, pavements and footpaths are foreign terms, not well-defined in any Indian language. So we do not use them, I mean the terms. Here is the real and correct definition of the same:

Gutter:
i) Indian for thrash-can or dust-bin.
ii) A public-cum-private disposal unit situated outside every Indian household/building.
iii) A strategically located dust-bin outside every compound wall, so that the residents do not have to store the garbage inside their compounds. It also helps to store rain water during the times of floods. An excellent provision made by the government for the convenience of Indians.
iii) A shelter for rats and other rodents, many-a-times invaded by stray-dogs and stray-cats.

The civilizations of Mohenjo-daro and Harappa used it for reasons unknown and unheard of to Indians. Some rate it waste of space in the surprisingly crowded India where we do not even talk of "S".

Pavements/Footpaths:
i) A part of the road reserved for hawkers, beggars, homeless and for storage of domestic and public waste and mortars when the gutters are full. Walking on them can prove hazardous to your health. Use the roads.
ii) During the times of traffic jams, these may be used by two-wheelers as a road itself.

Drainage Pipes:
A pipe connecting the households to the gutters for the convenience of disposal of household waste of all forms. It is however not advisable to dispose off plastic and hair through these pipes, as Indians are yet to master the technology of making such form of waste travel along smoothly. Hence, gutters have to be accessed directly for disposing the same. Inncovenience is regretted by the government.

5. We are an open-minded Indian family. We will accept bride of our son's choice. Our only conditions are, she has to be an Indian (of course), a Hindu (it's religion finally), a Maharashtrian (she should speak our language, how else can we communicate), a Bhramin (race matters). She shouldn't be consuming alcohol or smoking cigarettes as it is against our culture (what our son does and how he lives is none of her business) and if she has even heard the term "drugs", then she has put her family to shame. But we are a very open-minded, well-cultured, Indian family.

6. We Indians, strongly believe in intolerance towards your language, race, religion, region and every other single feature that is distinct from us. We are determined to not accept and never adapt "the others".

7. We will never contribute, in anyway, towards our race, religion, region or language but we shall stay proud and arrogant and we shall hate every single person, not belonging to our caste, race, religion, region. Our hate was not, is not and will never be justified.

8. We are given the freedom of speech. We can use this freedom to the extent that we follow the condition of not affecting the feelings of the "sensitive ones". If we get affected by the same, it is not their problem.

9. When we see a celebrity. we have to keep staring at her till she starts feeling awkward and leaves the place.

10. We are Maharashtrians. We will only eat at a Maharashtrian restaurant.

11. At a Maharashtrian restaurant, we have dishes from all over the world listed on our menu. But we will never serve them since we never cook them. We list them only to decorate our menu.

12. At a Maharashtrian restaurant, we speak only in Marathi. If the customer cannot speak the language or he cannot understand the same, then it is his problem.

13. At a Maharashtrian restaurant, after we clean your table, the floor gets dirty. Cleaning the same is the floor-cleaner's problem. Waiter can only help him to an extent by kicking the same below the customer's table. Customer should mind his feet. If they get dirty in the process, then it is not the waiter's problem.

14. You cannot "abuse" the food by saying it's half-cooked, over-cooked, not-cooked. The chef may relax. It is not his fault if the customer doesn't like the food he made.

15. At a Maharashtrian restaurant, we do not ask the customer if he wants anything more after he is done with his meal. We do not take your orders again and again. We just hand you over the bill. Please leave fast. There are others waiting.

16. We are Indians and we swear to never improve.

16 comments:

Divya said...

Kama-who-tra? Hehe yeah the sex thing is just ridiculous :P we, the largest population, have a sex taboo.. thats just funny!

ur nuts :P

another brick in the wall said...

scared bunch is what we are.. we judge everyone so much that we are now scared that these others will end up judging us.. ah well.. they do that anyway :)

Sneha said...

so much anger! the content and the blogowner is still the same i see :) i read the post before this one and it's awesome that you guys have joined kickboxing classes. i used to do these workout videos called Tae Bo by Billy Blanks which was primarily cardio kickboxing :D btw, i'm getting back in the blogging business. finally. it's for real this time! i promise! this is the warming up bit! yeay!

Divya said...

@Sneha- kickboxing.. 'Tis fun!
And waah bhai.. Good morning!

another brick in the wall said...

hello there sneha! yeah.. i'm pretty much the same alrt :)
i didn't know you were literally the "kickass" monty yaa :P
and no.. i won't believe u till u actually start with it.. been million yrs u know that! :P

Red said...

cynic!!

the hoverer said...

srsly wondering which restaurant had u over for lunch/dinner. very amusing and funny and all but i think you should not forget that you too are an indian and a Maharashtrian, which you may not be proud of but then pt16 does kinda elaborate on ur attitude, sry about being critical but thts what this post comes accross as.

another brick in the wall said...

@red: hah!

@hoverer: i am an indian, and i love my nation.. but i am not proud of it.. pride and love are 2 different things.. there is no need to feel pride in what u love.. it's pointless.. it wasn't my choice that i was born in india, as a maharashtrian, or even as a human being... but i am pretty satisfied with what i am.. there is no need to feel proud about it.. it's this pride of others that's damaging my lovely country (not sarcastic here).. and that hurts.. maybe this post also shows that i feel guilty that i am not able to contribute in anyway towards this love of mine.. but then if i'm not helping it's progress in anyway.. at least i'm not raping it.. lame i agree.. but i have no excuse really.. i feel guilty and for now i am listless on the ways to improve it.. so till i find a way..

Adhirath said...

he he..its hilarious..a little pessimistic though..but funny nonetheless!

oh by the way..ummm..hi! I am Divi's friend (of course you wudn't know me, so thot shud clarify before you get freaked out [or for that matter excited] about absolute [mark the word] strangers dropping in)

he he..great work!

another brick in the wall said...

hey adhirath

thank you.. well it's sarcastic.. so yeah.. it's gotta be pessimistic.. rt? :)

and of course i know you.. we did meet at jodhpur.. remember?
and stragers dropping in by to read my blog definitely won't freak me out.. excitement... of course :)
my blog is open to public for reason

in fact div is a blog friend.. was an absolute stranger 2+ yrs back if you should know :)

Adhirath said...

hey!..he he..now i remember! well you see, you weren't exactly introduced to me in Jodhpur as "another brick in the wall" now were you? so thats why..but now i know..and its good to know that you guys became friends via the net (a very scary concept for me for some strange reason..but your example sure gives me consolation!)..

and as for the excitement and freaking out part..that's exactly what i meant..I believe there are only two types of bloggers: one those who get freaked out by intruders..second, those who are elated by the idea of strangers popping in just to read their SCREAMS (as you call it..he he)..because the blogging world is obscure to indifference, a blogger always cares (for good or for bad!)..i see you belong to the category of those who get excited..good!

anyway, really nice blog man! and nice to catch up with ya! now that i know who "another brick in the wall is", I guess I'll be a regular visitor.

By the way dude,off the record (though it IS on record)..whatever made you pick the name!?

another brick in the wall said...

no wonder.. it's hard to forget me otherwise :P.. k/d
nothing is scary man.. everyone's a stranger and a freak in their own ways.. everyone u meet in person is still a stranger to you.. it's not only on net that someone can fuck up ur life.. right? :)
thank u for the compliment.. hope to see you around
another brick in the wall.. well.. i am deeply inspired by the poetry of roger waters and his concept of the wall.. that made me choose the name

Divya said...

crawling in your skin.. these wounds they would not heal...

:D

hey adhi.. you just have to be veery picky thts all :P

another brick in the wall said...

haha.. a good poem that by the great poet chester benington, no? :P
dude.. roger waters is actually a poet first and then a song-writer

Adhirath said...

ha ha...ahhhh! that explains a lot! and you're so right about the part that be it on the net or outside, anyway can screw you up! but knowing someone in person always seems better. hmm..u know what! i guess im gonna write a post on this..we'll come to know what different people think about this (ha ha..the 3 who read my blog again..and now maybe 4)

carry on the good work!

Virus© said...

I'm one and not proud of it.